Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a buket of shit?

A: The bucket.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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A Priest, A Lawyer and A Rabbi

November 8th 2006 08:07

Shark, photo by blondieb38, www.morguefile.com

A Priest, a Lawyer and a Rabbi are stuck on a desert island surrounded by man-eating sharks.

After a while their food and water run out and they are in danger of death. But then, they see an empty boat with a large barrel of water floating by.

PRIEST: This is agony! We must have the water but swimming through the sharks is certain death.

RABBI: Oh, what are we going to do?This is hopeless.

LAWYER: Hey, don't worry. I'll swim over.

After trying to convince the lawyer not to do it, the Priest and the Rabbi helplessly watch the Lawyer swim over to the boat. To their surprise, the sharks completely ignore the Lawyer.

When he makes it back to shore, the all begin talking at once:

PRIEST: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

LAWYER: That was no miracle.

RABBI: Well, what do YOU call it?

LAWYER: Where I come from, we call that professional courtesy.

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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Crocodiles and Lawyers

October 11th 2006 13:24

www.morguefile.com

Two crocodiles are sitting on the edge of a swamp.

The small one turns to the big one and says: How did you get so big? We're the same age, we were the same size as kids but you are so much bigger than me now!

The big croc pauses for a minute. Well, what have you been eating?

Lawyers, same as you, says the little one.

Well, where do you catch them? asks the big croc.

Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp, same as you.

And how do you catch them? asks the big croc.

Well, says the little croc, I crawl under a Porsche, wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out , bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em and eat 'em!

The big croc smiles. Well there's your problem! By the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase...

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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The Lawyer Genie

October 4th 2006 03:23

A man was walking along the street when he found a bottle. He rubbed it several times and a genie appeared.

I Dream of Jeannie Lane, in Coco Beach Florida

Master, the genie said, Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that I am a Lawyer Genie, so for every wish that you make lawyers will get twice what you get.

The man thought about this for a minute or two.

For my first wish, I would like ten million tax-free dollars.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured him that $10,000,000 had been deposited. And now every lawyer has just received $20,000,000, the genie said.

The man made his second wish.

I would love a big 50 room mansion to live in with my wife and children.

Instantly, the man was shown his 50 room mansion. And now every lawyer has just received two 50 room mansions, said the genie. You are down to your last wish. Use it wisely.

Well, okay. The man said as he paused for a moment. Yes! I've got it!, the man said.

What? said the genie.

Scare me half to death.

*the image used in this post is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License v1.2 or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation with no invariant sections, no front cover texts and no back cover texts.

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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10 Signs You Need A New Lawyer...

September 29th 2006 06:19

Everyone knows there are good lawyers and bad lawyers. But how do you really know if you are getting your money's worth?

Let's just say if your lawyer displays any of the following signs, it's high time you hired someone else...

These were all obtained from GetAmused.com

www.morguefile.com

1. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a Heineken.

3. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

4. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniel's to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

5. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

6. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

7. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." or Penal Code.

8. He tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.

9. He claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the "discovery" process.

10. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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A Lawyer Walks Into A Bar

September 19th 2006 14:35

www.morguefile.com

A lawyer walks into a bar with a Pug under his arm.

The bartender says, hey you! No Pigs allowed in here.

Getting peeved, the lawyer says, I'll have you know it's a Pug not a Pig.

Getting peeved, the bartender says, I'll have you know, I was talking to the Pug.

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Posted By: Legally Brunette - Category: Legal Comedy

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